


I can't remember who I was

by Paper__Moons



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, this is very self indulgent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22877512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paper__Moons/pseuds/Paper__Moons
Summary: Ianto opens up to Jack about his past relationships.
Relationships: Jack Harkness/Ianto Jones, Lisa Hallett/Ianto Jones (mentioned)
Kudos: 67





	I can't remember who I was

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so like,,, this is really self-indulgent. When I wrote this I was in a mood where I was remembering a lot of stuff and I decided to push it onto Ianto. This is also very out of character for both Ianto and Jack but oh well.  
> Also the title is lyrics from Alec Benjamin's song Oh My God, the lyric doesn't go with the actual work but I was stuck for a title and am currently avoiding doing a bunch of assessments for college

Ianto stared at Jack. They had just gotten back to the hub from hunting weevils and despite being covered head to toe in dirt, Jack still seemed as radiant as ever. The older man was talking about something but Ianto wasn’t paying attention fully, still processing information that had occurred to him that night.  
As they were running after the weevils, they passed a few things that reminded Ianto of his past. His dad, yes, but also elements of his past relationships. There was a couple arguing on the side of the road, a woman yelling at her partner about something while he seemed to block her out completely. This brought back memories, specifically of Lisa. He realised that Jack treated him extremely different than the rest of his relationships. Not just because this was his first relationship with a man and therefore a completely new experience for him, but Jack also made sure he was comfortable, and never yelled at him over the smallest things. There was yelling, yes, such as all the times Ianto put himself in danger, but not nearly to the same extent.  
It was odd to Ianto, he didn’t necessarily understand why there was such a difference, but didn’t really want to bring it up to Jack.  
Ianto zoned back in to hear Jack calling his name.  
“Ianto? You okay?”  
The younger nodded, quickly shaking his head to clear his mind and looking up at his boyfriend with a small smile. “Yeah, sorry, got lost in my thoughts.”  
Jack looked at him curiously but left it be, for now, figuring that if Ianto wanted to speak about something he would. Instead, the former held his hand out to the younger, who took it and was led to the shower.  
An hour or so later saw them both in bed, Ianto’s head laying on Jack’s bare chest, listening to his breathing and heartbeat. Ianto was tired but wanted to voice his earlier confusion.  
“Jack?”, he spoke quietly, his boyfriend’s name barely audible in the silent room.  
Jack hummed in response, looking down at the younger as best as he possibly could from that angle.  
Ianto sat up slightly. “Why do you treat me differently?”  
The other looked at him confused and tilted his head slightly. “What do you mean?”  
Ianto sighed heavily. “I mean, like, Lisa treated me completely differently than you do. And it’s not like it seems different because it's you and not another woman, you just treat me completely differently than she did.”  
Ianto looked down as he spoke, not wanting to look Jack in the eyes, knowing that he was admitting something deep and personal and therefore not wanting to see the other’s reaction.  
Jack reached out, gently holding Ianto’s chin in his hand. “You wanna talk about it?”  
Ianto shrugged, not particularly wanting to admit things that he had buried in the depths of his mind.  
“I just...I don’t know. You’re just so much...kinder? I guess that’s the best way to explain it”  
Jack tilted his head again, wanting to find out more but not wanting to push the younger.  
“She used to yell at me, and not just for messing up. Like, it’s one thing to be frustrated and yell occasionally, especially if I mess up with coffee or forget to get something at the shops, but then there were the times where I’d trip and she’d yell, and I just...I don’t know.”  
Jack sighed. He was annoyed, not at Ianto, but at the fact that Ianto went through so much that he now thinks that things like that are normal. He knew that this was going to take years to get through, and even once he’s gained Ianto’s full trust chances are he won’t know exactly what he went through, but that doesn’t mean that he won’t be there for him. Jack was curious about what he was meaning, of course, he was, but that didn’t mean that he was going to pry into Ianto’s past.  
Ianto took a breath. “I just-”, he sighed and rubbed at his forehead “I’m not used to being treated like this. It’s odd. Not that I don’t like it, because I do. I just, never really got a choice for things”  
Jack’s eyes narrowed at that. “What do you mean?”  
“Like, everything, I guess? I never got options for where we ate, or what we’d do on the weekend. Hell, most of the time even sexual stuff I didn’t get a say in, besides consent.” Ianto let out a dry laugh. “If she wanted to do something that was that. If I was sick and couldn’t leave the flat, or just was too tired, I was ruining her plans.”  
The older man put his arm around his boyfriend, attempting to comfort him while still giving him space. “So you’re wondering why I’m not like that?”  
The younger hesitantly nodded, anxious that he was about to get yelled at for asking that question, despite knowing that Jack doesn’t tend to react like that, especially when it’s just the two of them around.  
“Well, honestly that’s a loaded question.”, Jack pulled Ianto closer to him. “Because you deserve better than that. What you went through isn’t something that happens in a healthy relationship. Being yelled at all the time, quite frankly is hell, and I don’t want to put you through that ever again.”  
Ianto felt Jack’s hand on his cheek and realised that the older man was wiping away a stray tear that escaped. Finally, Ianto looked up at Jack, who had a sad look on his face. He’d seen him like that before, but knowing that it was because of something Ianto had said, hurt more.  
Ianto shook his head slightly and gave a small smile to Jack. “It’s fine, I’m fine. I mean, I’m here, alive, and I don’t have to deal with that anymore.”  
Jack sighed and sat up properly before pulling Ianto into his lap and resting his chin on the top of the younger man’s head.  
“You will never have to deal with that again.”


End file.
